How often do you hear the phrases?
'Mum/dad struggles with X behaviour'
'Mum/dad have difficulties getting X into school'
'Mum/dad report X has a sleep disorder but we have no evidence of this in school'
'Parent presents with anxiety'
I have countless examples, but you understand the gist.
When combined with how society overall treats parents and carers of children with additional needs, this stigma and blame are, quite frankly, the icing on the cake.
I have attended many meetings with the belief that I am there to discuss my child's mental health. In reality the meeting is more concerned with parental behaviour and attendance. No mention of how my child actually is coping.
The phrases that are written in reports (following these meetings) can read as my examples show above. These reports can follow a family around until a child is 16 years old, for all other professionals to read. Infact like me, if you require an EHCP in the future, it will be exactly these documents that make it to the decision tribunal. Not exactly helpful and certainly not based around the child's needs.
I am here to remind you to challenge professionals that use these phrases;
'Mum/dad struggles with X behaviour'
Mum / dad do not struggle with X behaviour. X has autism. X struggles to emotionally regulate at times. Mum/dad are placing in approapriate interventions to help. These interventions are hard to do.
 'Mum/dad have difficulties getting X into school'
Mum / dad do not struggle to get X to school. X struggles with emotional based school anxiety and needs better interventions of support in order to access full time education again.
'Mum/dad report X has a sleep disorder but we have no evidence of this in school'
Mum / dad have advised school of a sleep disorder at home which effects X behaviour and attendance. Camhs are aware, GP is aware and I am not sure what evidence you could have at school being that X does not sleep at school. What evidence would you like? When school tell parents that X has been put on stage two of the behaviour policy, parents do not respond with 'we have no evidence of that'. Parents listen, validate and respond appropriately.
'Parent presents with anxiety'
Parents likely do present with anxiety. Parents are dealing with parental blame and stigma when trying to navigate a mainstream world with a neuro diverse child. It would be likely that you too would suffer with anxiety. This meeting or report is not about the parents though, this report or meeting should be discussing the childs needs and the best ways forward, not the parents. I am sure there are plenty of school staff employed at this school with anxiety or take medication for mental health, where is this listed in the report?
A few kind and calm suggestions to help move through any parental stigma you may face. Professional meetings can cause anxiety. I would suffer terrible anxiety prior to professional meetings and usually panic attacks in the car afterwards, due to the parental stigma and blame. It is not okay. It will never be okay and it needs to be challenged.
An interesting thought mind.... perhaps we are sitting at the wrong table. The table you sit at within school meetings discuss parent blame, safeguarding, attendance and academinc status. Yet neuro-diverse parents are trying to sit at a table that gains recognition and support for autism burnout, anxiety, panic attacks, self harm, emotional regulation difficulties and mental health interventions. These are very different tables. We are trying to have these vulnerable conversations with experts in education, not experts in mental health. My own expecations of the table at Emilys mainstream school were far too high and caused far too much trauma. In hind sight they didn't deserve our attendance. The professionals were not educated enough to be having the conversations I required.
Mainstream schools have government attendance initiaves and OFSTED attendance scrutiny as their main goal. Parents and carers of neuro diverse children have positive mental health as their main goal (quite right too!).
The two worlds do not collide smoothly, although recognition of this and understanding can still be achieved, if professionals are open minded and caring enough.
Every meeting and every report should represent the child's needs accurately, working with parents / carers (not against) and should be centered around the child; not parent stigma or blame.
Ensure moving forwards that you too challenge any discriminatory comments said in meetings or written in reports. Parental blame is not an excuse for a mainstream system that is not fit for purpose. Parents and carers should not be talking the blame for the shortfalls in society.
If you would like to sit at a table that gains recognition and support for autism burnout, anxiety, panic attacks, self harm, emotional regulation difficulties, mental health interventions and much more then please check out the link below;
Breaking Barriers; Building Belief is a 6 week pre recorded course, that you can access at a time that suits you: Videos of support and helpful (realistic, PDA friendly) interventions each week, links to podcasts, relevent blogs, template letters you can use within mainstream setting to get the recognition your child deserves. Plus bespoke 1:1 email support from me the whole way through to help navigate a world that can feel sometimes lonley in understanding.