Love this phrase! I have it in my mind every single day on repeat and it really does help me in those 'tricky meltdown' moments.
Children behave better when they feel better. Children can't behave better if they don't feel good about themselves or they are made to feel bad about themselves. I am a great believer that too many consequences or too much discipline can make a child scared to make mistakes (in fear they may get told off, or worse still lose their phone).
Particularly if children are neuro-spicy. My children (ASD/ADHD/PDA) are incredibly sensitive to demands, tone of voice, dissappointment or even being told off. They already give themselves a really hard time.
My children also don't have very full cups. They don't participate in after-school clubs like other children might. They don't have friends to invite over or visit for tea. They certainly don't engage in hobbies like swimming or football. My children also face challenges in mainstream school. They either 'mask' their feelings or frequently get into trouble, and they struggle socially. There are very few parts of their day that help fill their cup (compared to other children). Therefore, it's more important than ever that I try to fill their cup as much as possible through validation (for their experiences and feelings), understanding (when things go wrong), and brainstorming how to make things right (next time) by establishing safe communication. All of these are examples of connection before correction.
Mistakes are okay.
Whoops moments are okay.
Big emotions are okay.
It's how we deal with them that matters.
" I can only deal with big feelings if you understand me and I feel safe enough to share".
"I can tell you anything, even if I've done something wrong because you understand and will help me in the right ways".
The transformations that occur once this mindset shift takes place are remarkable. Naturally, altering our mindset can be challenging due to societal norms, particularly within traditional schooling; recommendations from other professionals are often rooted in these societal norms, and friends and family members who were possibly raised with different values might, therefore, believe they know better.
Connection before correction works by changing behaviours long term. In the short term it can look (to others) that you aren't doing anything about it. Because you're not yelling or marchcing your child off by the hand. Actually though in this case, less is so much more.
Want to know more? Check out the link below to access the pre recorded Breaking Barriers; Building Belief Support Course that includes 6 hours of support videos, letter templates to use with school (reasonable adjustments, PDA acceptance, attendance and more) and podcasts to help brainstorm ways in which you too can connect before correcting.